帮我雅思作文打分!请加以点评!Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn the children into good citizens and workers,rather than to benefit them as individuals.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?I

帮我雅思作文打分!请加以点评!Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn the children into good citizens and workers,rather than to benefit them as individuals.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?I
帮我雅思作文打分!请加以点评!
Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn the children into good citizens and workers,rather than to benefit them as individuals.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
I tend to agree with the view that schools take the responsibility of educating our kids to be good residents and employees.It is the true that no matter what circumstances we are under.Meanwhile,it seems that in the long run,this initiative would benefit the society as a whole.
(51 words)
First of all,this initiative would contribute to encouraging collective awareness.We can imagine,if each individual is educated to work hard and be a responsible one,then many problems existing now such as environmental problems,energy insufficiency,would be resolved in a reasonable way.Of course,this does not mean that personal welfare is not important.We should certainly take care of it.However,this must give the priority to public benefits.Only the whole society would be safe and peaceful,would each individual enjoy his or her colorful life.
(91 words)
In addition,we also need to better understand that this view would promote the progress of modern technologies.For example,from the electricity to the television all the way,every achievement of modern technology comes from people’s hard work.Another example is that we can easily do online shopping just sitting at home.Without these ‘good citizens and workers’,these advances would not be available to us,not to mention personal welfare.On the other hand,too much emphasizing individual benefit would make us selfish.To some extent,it would harm our society and anyone else.We certainly can not afford it.
(102 words)
Above all,there is no doubt that our kids should be taught to be good residents and employees.Rather than take care of themselves,they should learn to care about the society and other people around them.
(37 words)
(281 words)

帮我雅思作文打分!请加以点评!Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn the children into good citizens and workers,rather than to benefit them as individuals.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?I
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this view， this initiative 这些代指的词如果是从上一段提到了 重起一段后要restate下看起来比较流畅
一句话不要太长 有些地方句子太长了 老外很忌讳写作文的时候一句话N多从句 和 句子中夹一些副词短语来表达意思 句子越简单明了越好
写完之后 自己看一遍 一次性读下来 文章中如果有句子还要想才能明白 这句话就必须要改...

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this view， this initiative 这些代指的词如果是从上一段提到了 重起一段后要restate下看起来比较流畅
一句话不要太长 有些地方句子太长了 老外很忌讳写作文的时候一句话N多从句 和 句子中夹一些副词短语来表达意思 句子越简单明了越好
写完之后 自己看一遍 一次性读下来 文章中如果有句子还要想才能明白 这句话就必须要改

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4分

还行4-5

5.5~6.5